Welcome to the Shit Show!

I'm trying to live a more honest and authentic life. So, in that vein, I'm going to share on social media that not everyday is a great day filled with fantastic pictures and activities. In fact, today, has been a real shit show already. It's been overwhelming, and infuriating, and one of those days that I just want to give up and spend my day watching trashy Netflix movies and eating caramel corn. I got one kid up early, forgetting that it was a late arrival day...oops. Then that same kid was having some serious oppositional behavior. The other one was in a good mood, thank God, but said an off-handed comment that made me cry. I have a person at work that, at times, I would really like to just send them a serious sharp-ass email to, reducing them to a quivering puddle of insecurity, but I don't, because it's not professional, and I'm sort of an adult. Mom's still got cancer, and I still never have enough money to live the lavish lifestyle I feel in my soul I'm supposed to be living. And, well, my better eating habits have gone off the rails and I feel a lot of shame there. I will get there again, but today is, CLEARLY, not that day.

There's a bunch of other little things that just add up to a shitty day. So lest you think my life is right on track, and if you do, you probably don't know me well, well now you know the truth. I'm a mess. I'll get through this day and on towards another one tomorrow.

*graphic used from Walmart website, Island Dogs sign. https://www.walmart.com/ip/Welcome-To-The-Shit-Show-LED-Lighted-Sign-Office-Living-Room-Or-Man-Cave/768486537

Portillos Experience

  On one of the fun experiences that the kids and I did on my last trip back to visit them was to Woodfield mall.  Portillos had an open store there that was a “Portillos Experience”  You could scratch and sniff the walls.  They had couches that looked like hot dogs.  They had a ‘fry room’ with fun props.  Then an area that had big props to pose with while doing selfies or having your photo taken.  It ended up being a lot more fun than I thought at first and the kids, even Joe, ended up enjoying themselves.  I mean, who doesn’t want to swing on an onion ring in outer space?

  Spending time with my kids, it’s my favorite thing.  Especially, when their teenage bickering and general exasperated attitude is kept at bay.  I love hearing their stories about friends or goings on at school.  Or trying to help them with questions they could have about life in general.  I like learning about their new interests, or style choices, or pop figures they’ve acquired.  I just want to be with them so much, so badly.  Being away while taking care of Mom has been bittersweet.  I cherish the time I’ve had with Mom.  I love that I was able to help her so she wasn’t alone, especially without Dad here.  Being away from my children, though, has been a real eye opener to what will be happening so soon.  When they leave for college and then their lives after, it is really going to sting.  I’m sure that once I’m an empty-nester, things will take awhile to adjust and I’ll settle into that life, hopefully.  That time seems to be encroaching, though, much too quickly.  I just want to be with my kids, now.  I’m working on that.

December 2019

Parent Epiphany

While I was taking a shower this morning I had quite the epiphany (showering is usually when I have my best thoughts and ideas) about my Dad and his macaroni and cheese making.  Turns out, I could have been wrong about a few things...gasp!

A little trip back in time...

My Dad was the primary cook in our household growing up.  Typically things were great, though, like all of us home cooks, there could be some blunders here and there, his pies are a whole story in themselves for another time.  My Grandfather was also the primary cook in his house, that I can remember, and he made the best macaroni and cheese.  He would use spaghetti instead of noodles, and there was just something wonderful about it.  My Dad's mac and cheese was good, but it was never JUST mac and cheese.  He ALWAYS had to add something to it.  We would ask what was for dinner and he would say pork, mac and cheese...yada yada yada, and we would be ready for it, until we saw the macaroni and cheese which was decidedly a casserole.  He couldn't help himself.  He HAD to add something in, typically it would include green chilies, but there was always something.  We would groan and tease him that he was incapable of making JUST macaroni and cheese and he would take it, usually laughing along, sometimes getting his feelings hurt.

I could never understand his need to add more...until this morning's shower.

I do the same thing.  I feel a desperate need to make sure that I get lots of healthy goodness into my kids' dinner.  Veggies and more veggies, vitamins, minerals, they've all got to be there.  I feel the pull to add more goodness, sometimes where it doesn't belong.  I long for ways to sneak in spinach and kale to one pot meals.  Salads always have too much stuff in them.  And, then this morning while I was contemplating macaroni and cheese with dinner, I thought it...what can I add that will make it better, and WHAM, my inner hypocrite sounded it's warning  Wasn't that Dad?  Didn't I mercilessly tease him for not being able to leave the macaroni and cheese alone?  Here I was thinking what I could add to make it more wholesome, and perhaps a one pot meal, and I.  Was.  Him.

I get it now, and I feel like I kind of owe him an apology.  I can feel him chuckling under his breath, thinking I finally got it.  You know, one of those, "when you're older you'll understand" moments.  I am a little sad that I can't call him and tell him, and make him laugh, but I do feel that he is already.

Sorry Dad!

Now...what should I add to my macaroni and cheese?

A Hot Breakfast

One of my fondest memories of childhood, now, is of my Dad making us a good hot breakfast each morning before school. I say now, well, because at the time I would have given ANYTHING to just sleep a little longer, and breakfast didn't always appeal to me. Of course as an adult, and a parent, you look back at the things your parents did for you and finally feel like you privy to some secret society. Also, to be fair, my Dad still makes breakfast each morning that I have ever been at their house, even as an adult.

Now, as a parent, I have always wanted to make the kids a hot breakfast. Before, when working and trying to get everything around in the morning, I had a hard time figuring that out. Now, not having to work, and having school start at 9am rather than 8am, amazingly, a hot breakfast is now part of our daily routine.

To prove this I took a picture this morning as it was the first time I got the kids to try over medium eggs, rather than just scrambled. Joci loved them, Joe hated them. One of their favorites is oatmeal, and I did use to make that for them, in the microwave, but now that we don't have a microwave (by choice) I make it the 'old fashioned' way...on the stovetop. Which, again, reminds me of my Dad. Mom would want oatmeal and Dad would make it for her and leave it on the stovetop until she was ready to eat.

Can you tell I'm missing my parents?

It's these little things that sneak up on you, when you're doing a chore that is how your Mom taught you, or figuring something out similar to how your Dad would, that remind me of my childhood, and how fortunate I was to have the parents I did. These are also the things that I tell my kids about all the time, because I want them to have a sense of history.

So, Mom and Dad, tomorrow I will be making another hot breakfast...probably oatmeal. Love you.

Karate

Joe takes Karate Friday nights at one of our local town facilities.He loves it.
I love what it does for him.
But, I don't really enjoy taking Jocelyn along to wait for his class. There isn't much for her to do, but there's tons of stuff for older kids to do. So you can imagine how frustrating it is for her to be there and not be able to do much. She doesn't want to color or play with toys.But, this last Karate class was awesome. As soon as Joe went into his class, Joci got restless. I dug through my purse looking for something for her to color on. But, I found my MP3 player instead and asked if she wanted to listen...BINGO!

She carried it all around the center.

Often she would go over to the raquetball courts and watch the teenagers playing there. At one point they came out and asked if she could play a little with them. It was one of those moments that really boosts your belief in human kindness. These four teenagers took time out of their night together to include a little girl who seemed very interested in what they were doing. I told them all, after Joci was done, that their Mothers would be so proud of them.
Next Friday, I will definitely be bringing Jocelyn's MP3 player for her. Maybe her friends will be there again. I think she really liked the boy in the white t-shirt. She told me he reminded her of one of our babysitter's sons, Mason. Too Cute!

Sibling Rivalry

I’ve had this kicking around my head for a couple of weeks now, and decided to just write it out. So, if this seems a bit jumbled or rambling, I’m sorry...

We have major sibling rivalry issues in our house right now.

There have been arguments over the most inane situations that I never knew was possible. Like gum, drinks of water, or who has to do their breathing treatments first. When the arguing and whining commence, I can literally feel my brain recoil inside my head with dread of what comes next.

It makes me crazy.

Insane.

Completely bonkers.

Joseph, especially, can find inequality in any situation. Whatever Jocelyn has, he wants, or he believes he should get something also. I’ve tried and tried and tried to explain that it all evens out in the end. That “Fair is not always Equal”. But, he just can’t see it. He will argue endlessly and whine and stomp his feet and generally make a huge scene out of the situation, no matter where we are.

Jocelyn, on the other hand, can go from zero to screaming in two seconds flat. She can take something of Joe’s, and then throw a fit when it is taken away from her and given back to Joe. Or, she can get super sneaky. This morning I found her with her bedroom door closed, sitting on her bed stuffing cookies into her mouth as fast as she could before Joe would inevitably go in and demand that he have some, too. She is the one that taunts and teases and will call names to get what she wants.

I’ve ordered a couple of books on the subject, and so we’ll see if, hopefully, the advice in them will help.

All this time spent thinking about my kid’s sibling rivalry has really made me examine my relationship with my brother and our own sibling rivalry.

This next part will undoubtedly make my parents smile with self satisfaction. Ü

Even as an adult, before I had kids, I always felt as though my brother was heavily favored by my parents. They coddled him throughout his life, and often would make excuses for him and his behavior, which would drive me crazy with jealousy.

I never understood, until recently, why they did this. Well, now I understand.

It pretty much boils down to the fact that he needed more help, guidance, and assistance. He needed my parents to hold his hand through every minute, when I, simply, did not. I have always been very independent and self sufficient, ok, and maybe a bit hard-headed, so they must have believed I didn’t need them as much as my brother did, and I’m sure they also believed this with my own insistence that they leave me alone and let me do my thing.

What they gave to him in their accommodations, they gave to me in my freedom.

One of my favorite saying is that “Hindsight is 20/20”. It’s always easier to look back and make sense of a situation that you’ve had time to think over and make sense of, perhaps when you’ve gained a bit more wisdom on the subject than what you had before.

Looking back, I realize that I pushed my parents away making them believe that I needed my space, when what I really craved was more of their attention.

Evaluating all of this about my life really serves no purpose now. I cannot go back and change my behavior or anyone else’s for that matter. But I can acknowledge that I felt that way and now, of course, apply it to the way I parent my kids.

If only I could come up with a strategy that would keep the kids from arguing over the most stupid of things, like a cup of water.

Sick Again!

Jocelyn has been sick again! This time, luckily, it hasn't affected her breathing and asthma. But, her glands are so swollen, she has a fever even with Tylenol, and she's been laying around a lot more, which is REALLY not like her. You can see it, a bit, in this picture. Her rosy cheeks and sore eyes. Here her fever is 101.6.

Her pediatrician is sending us to an allergist to do some allergy and immune testing to see what is going on with her and why she is almost constantly getting sick.

Today she was swabbed for strep. The quick strep test came back negative, and if the one they send out also comes back negative, we will then have to have her tested for Mono!

I tell myself that we are lucky. In the grand plan of it all, she does not have a life-threatening disease or a disfiguring injury. I know that we are giving her the best care we can, and that we are so lucky to have the amazing medical insurance and coverage that we do. But, my heart literally hurts with worry as I watch her struggle through one infection after another. As I sit up at night with her, rocking her in my arms while she complains how badly her throat is hurting, I want to cry. Instead, I stroke her hair and tell her how much I love her.

Worry, worry, worry. I had no idea that I would worry so much as a parent. I had no idea that I would feel so helpless at times or clueless about what to do. I'm hoping that we have some answers soon, but I am also trying not to get my hopes up and pin all my expectations on that appointment coming up soon.

Jocelyn

Tomorrow morning Jocelyn will go under and have her third set of ear tubes put in. Last time she went under, a little over a year ago, she also had her adnoids out.

I believe everything will be fine, but I am still nervous.

On the grand scale of things, ear tubes is not a big deal.

But, I am still nervous.

She is my baby, and I worry endlessly about her.

My little Lulu.

Remembering Babies

Lately, I have been missing my little babies. Don't get me wrong, we aren't planning on any more, but there are days when I miss this little guy:And I miss this little miss:I miss holding them in my arms and nuzzling their sweet little necks that smelled faintly of the milk they drank. It's sometimes hard to see these kids of mine growing so fast, up and out of my arms, not wanting me to intrude in their lives so much, and starting to question all of my motives behind the things I ask them to do. Where did the time go...

Birthday Party

So this was our first, and last, attempt at a combined birthday party for the kids. Admittedly, it was me that pushed for the combined part, so it was pretty much my lesson learned while everyone else got to say I told you so.

There were just, too, many, children there. I have even more respect, now, for Joe's Kindergarten teacher, being able to wrangle these kids each day. I don't know how she does it. There were a couple little hooligans that will NEVER be invited back to our home, and even one that I asked Joe to steer clear of at school.

I would like to say that I learned to be a more patient person during the party, but really, the opposite happened. I learned about my own limitations when it comes to hosting multiple children at once. This, I now know, is not a good idea for me in the future.

I won't go into the details, but let's just say, at the end of the day, I was so happy they all left.

Oh, and I even threw my back out wrapping my Mom in toilet paper for one of the games...how sad is that. It was to the point that I could hardly move, even breathing hurt.

Mom was a HUGE help! Thanks Mom! She really picked up my slack when my back went wacky, and she made the darn cutest cakes ever.

I took some really cute pics of the kids that I plan on putting in their thank you cards, but I can't post them here, as I don't have their parent's permission. So, I'll just show the ones that focus on my kids.

My Sweet, Little, Finger-Sucking Girl

Oh, my sweet, little, finger-sucking baby girl.

Joci, you will never know how hard getting you to stop sucking your thumb is on me.

Sounds selfish, doesn't it?

It's not hard because you whine or throw tantrums. It's not hard because you are angry with me when I remind you to take your finger out of your mouth. And, it's not because you are sneaky, hiding behind the couch with your blankie and your finger firmly planted in that little cupid's bow mouth of yours.

No, it's because I cannot tolerate to see you in pain.

It's obvious that it hurts you to be told to stop comforting yourself.

You have begged and pleaded with giant crocodile tears in your eyes as I have wrapped your sucking finger in a sticky bandaid.

You have negotiated for just short spurts of sucking time, and you have gazed into my eyes willing me to let you suck, just for a little longer.

It hurts my heart to see you suffer like this. I know it's necessary, I know you need me to be firm, yet encouraging to help you kick your habit. But, it's so hard to see you this way.

When you are feeling so helpless, angry, and sad, I just hold you and tell you that I love you. I tell you that you will get through this, that you are the most strong willed person I know, so I know that you can do it. I hold you and rock you and stroke your hair and tell you that it will be ok.

I hope this is enough for you. I hope that you hear me and believe what I am saying. I hope that in some small way I am helping you.

I look forward and see so many more times like these to come, and hope that I can help you, in my small way, to navigate them.

I will always love you, my sweet, little, finger-sucking girl.

Birthdays

I have a confession. I am a bad, bad Mommy!

It’s true, really it is.

Jon and I have talked briefly about the kids’ birthdays here and there trying to come up with something special for them, but not really putting much effort into it. We sort of settled on a day, December 12th, and then Joe got an invitation for a birthday party on that day from one of his friends at school. Admittedly, I thought it was a little odd to send out a birthday invitation so early, and then I realized that the 12th was only 3 weeks away!

In other words, I forgot about my kids’ birthdays.

Isn’t that one of the worst things a parent could do?

Don’t I get sent to some kind of special parent hell for that one?

So now we really have to come up with an awesome birthday party idea, and execute it all while pretending that really, we didn’t forget, we weren’t thinking about other things going on, we had this planned out months in advance, right?

Does this have to be a huge party? No, it doesn’t, so don’t think that I’m one of ‘those’ parents who can’t reign in the ideas and excess spent on their party. I just like them to be special for them, memorable, not like anything a forgetful parent would come up with.

My Little Girl

How, can, this, be, possible?

I've noticed lately that little Miss Jocelyn seems to be going through a growth spurt. Of course, I noticed when last week and the weather was cooler, yes 80 is cool in Arizona, that Joci's jeans were definitely too short for her to wear for winter. Thank goodness our friend Hannah, at daycare, was growing too and gave us a new crop of jeans. I also noticed when Joci put on her princess dress and it wasn't dragging on the ground anymore, even though it is still way too big in the bodice. I've noticed that she can now reach the faucet better, and looks so long while sleeping in her bed.

So this morning while I was playing our usual game of me telling the kids how much they grew overnight, Joci ran over to our growth chart to show me. Typically, I wouldn't have gone with her, knowing that she couldn't have grown that much, but I was compelled to do so and found that she has grown an inch in four months.

How can that be possible? Should this be allowed? My baby growing way faster than I think should be allowed. It gives me a major case of "Help me, time is moving way to fast!" syndrome.

So I got my sharpie marker and marked her height, telling her at the time how much she really did grow, and I saw how proud she was, making so much progress.

I hate to even think what Joe's height would be if I were to check it today. I think I will wait a little while so I can get over the shock of Jocelyn growing to fast first.

Joe's New Pet

Before you get all upset, Mom, please know that this new pet is absolutely the sweetest and easiest pet to take care of...ever! It doesn't eat, drink, or jump up on guests. It doesn't smell, shed, or poop in your hand.

Joe's new pet is an invisible cricket.

I'm not exactly sure where this new pet came from. It may have sprouted from a book that we read months ago about a boy who caught a cricket only to let him go again so he could hear it's sweet song. Who knows.

What I do know is that we now take along our new pet wherever we go, and I even let Joe take this little guy to school with him, as long as he keeps him in his backpack. Joe's new pet often lets out a little song for me coming from the backseat in the car, and often has to have a place to sleep when it's time for bed.

Sometimes Joe's little cricket disappears for a few days, only to surface a few mornings later, ready to go to school with Joe.

This is one of the very few invisible friends that either Joe or Joci has produced, and those that have come around in the past have quickly disappeared, typically in the same day. But, our little cricket has persisted, and I love it when he sings to me sweet songs that sound peculiarly like my baby boy.

My Beautiful Children

I am very often caught off-guard by how beautiful my children are, both inside and out. I look at them and wonder where they got such good looks and where they keep all those hugs and kisses and love that they give away so freely. In my wildest dreams, I could not have imagined having such amazing children. I am blessed, truly blessed to be their Mother. Yes, we have our issues, and no, they aren't perfect, but I love them more than I ever knew it was possible.