So, today is the day. We 'lost' my Dad one year ago today. It certainly doesn't feel like it's been a year, but the calendar says it has. And yet, everything is still so fresh, so raw. It's still so hard to talk about him without tears in my eyes or a big lump in my throat. A hundred times a week I am reminded that my Dad is gone. Mostly when something happens and I want to share it with someone, I think "I should skype with Dad", and then the realization that there is no Dad comes and hammers into me that I will never speak to him again. I will never hears his laugh, or worse, feel his bear hugs. My Dad was the one person in the whole world that knew sometimes all I needed was a hug and a reassuring word to feel better.
So it's been a year. It's time for me to, what, move on? I don't know how to put into words what I mean to do, except maybe just not be as sad anymore, or as raw. Maybe smile more, cry less. I don't really know, but I do know it's time. Tonight I will cry and remember and know that no matter what, the love my Dad had for me and my children was real, lasting, forever. I know that I will be okay without my Dad, although with him would have been better. I will try to let go of the bitterness I feel at times when I see other Grandparents with their grandchildren. Hopefully, the hole in my heart will heal a little more, though I know it will never go away completely.
November 11, 2014
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