Welcome to the Shit Show!

I'm trying to live a more honest and authentic life. So, in that vein, I'm going to share on social media that not everyday is a great day filled with fantastic pictures and activities. In fact, today, has been a real shit show already. It's been overwhelming, and infuriating, and one of those days that I just want to give up and spend my day watching trashy Netflix movies and eating caramel corn. I got one kid up early, forgetting that it was a late arrival day...oops. Then that same kid was having some serious oppositional behavior. The other one was in a good mood, thank God, but said an off-handed comment that made me cry. I have a person at work that, at times, I would really like to just send them a serious sharp-ass email to, reducing them to a quivering puddle of insecurity, but I don't, because it's not professional, and I'm sort of an adult. Mom's still got cancer, and I still never have enough money to live the lavish lifestyle I feel in my soul I'm supposed to be living. And, well, my better eating habits have gone off the rails and I feel a lot of shame there. I will get there again, but today is, CLEARLY, not that day.

There's a bunch of other little things that just add up to a shitty day. So lest you think my life is right on track, and if you do, you probably don't know me well, well now you know the truth. I'm a mess. I'll get through this day and on towards another one tomorrow.

*graphic used from Walmart website, Island Dogs sign. https://www.walmart.com/ip/Welcome-To-The-Shit-Show-LED-Lighted-Sign-Office-Living-Room-Or-Man-Cave/768486537

I’m sure I’ve posted about my Dad and his, ahem, “preaching”, of the Golden Rule somewhere on this blog, but it’s something I’ve come around to often as an adult and parent.  My kids and I talk about the Golden Rule a lot and how it applies to almost every single situation there is.  He used to say that the Golden Rule was his religion, that all religions were pretty much based on it anyway.  He was so right.  One thing, though, that I hope I am teaching my kids is to really appreciate its implications on a daily scale.  You see, my Dad would say it, way back when, and I would think something along the lines of “Yeah, yeah, here he goes again”, I was pretty sure he couldn’t possibly solve my situation with his cliché words.  Of course now, looking back, it did apply and I was a fool to take such wise words for granted.  Maybe, if I’m really lucky, my kids will actually HEAR what it when I say it, maybe…

My Dad’s other favorite saying involved “The Green Eyed Monster”.  Did you know Shakespeare wrote that phrase?

April 10, 2018

School Lock-down Drill

Today both of my kids had 'lock-down' drills at their schools.  They told me about them on the ride home from gymnastics today.  They also included that they have not yet had a tornado drill yet.  When they told me that, all I could think is that it must be because the likelihood of having an armed intruder enter their school is higher than a tornado, and that literally made me sick to my stomach.

My children today practiced how to hide from armed assailants and 'hope' that they make it out okay.  Everything in me became angry that this is even a thing to be considered.  That this is a reality.  I used to be very pro-gun.  I grew up around guns, my Dad had them, they were never locked, we were taught to respect them.  After having kids, though, my views have changed.  My children's well being is more important than being able to have an arsenal in a home, and after living in England, well, there is scant gun violence there.  I felt safe there.  I NEVER worried about my kids at school, certainly not that there would be some crazy trying to get famous by killing kids while in school.  Living in England showed us that there is a more civilized way to live.

I am angry that gun violence is so prevalent in the city that I love and live so close to, Chicago.  Every week they have a tally of all the people injured or killed over the weekend and it is appalling.  My friends in England never understood how Americans could just let it go on and on.  Especially after the Sandy Hook shootings.  They wanted to know why we allow so many guns, and I realized how hard it was to explain...because we feel entitled to them...?

Our children should feel safe in their schools.  They shouldn't have to worry that some maniac, who is feeling thrown away and ignored, can come into their school and kill kids and teachers to become famous.

Being a Stay at Home Mom

I've been kicking this around my head for a year now, the differences between being a full-time working mom and a stay at home mom.  I apologize if I ramble on about it some, but I wanted to finally get some thoughts written out.  This is in NO WAY a commentary on how I think things should be or a judgement on any others choices, just my own feelings about what I've experienced.

When both of my children were born I took off as much time as I could for maternity leave, about 3 months, before taking them to our amazing child minder.  I never felt like someone else was raising my kids, and I never felt like the kids were suffering or not being cared for.  My children were always happy and healthy and always, always my priority.  I was happy in my work, working for the same company for over 13 years, even able to work from home 2 days a week.  Most of my friends were from work and most evenings as a family we would get home at about 6pm.  Two nights a week we would have either a soccer practice or American flag football practice and several nights we would eat out as we didn't have much time to make a wholesome meal at home.  The weekends were spent cleaning the house, doing things as a family, and spending time with my parents. 

Now, looking back at that time, I see how utterly stressed, overwhelmed, and lagging I was.  I didn't get much time with my kids, I was always tired, and sadly I was desperately looking for a way out but couldn't find an exit sign that met my needs.

Then, when Jon heard of an opportunity within his company to transfer to England, it was this neon flashing sign lit up in my face saying go for it, and we did, and it was the best decision for us at that time.

I walk my kids to and from school every day and when they are sick I nurse them during the day and take them to the doctor if needed.  When they aren't in school, they are with me.  I do the kids homework and reading with them everyday.  Most of my friends are a group of like-minded women I met at school and we do breakfasts and ladies night ever so often.  I am on the PTA for both kids' schools.  The house is cleaned daily so that we can spend our weekends playing together as a family.  We occasionally eat out about once a week, if that, the rest of the time we eat healthier meals, many of the ingredients from our garden.  I miss my parents tremendously.  We only have one car so sometimes I either have to get a cab or bum a ride from my friends.  We make less money and have had to scale WAY back, including the size of our house which is less than half the size we had before. 

Now, I am much happier, hardly stressed, rarely overwhelmed, and am tired for the right reasons.  I don't have the horrible back pain that I used to and no longer look for a way to escape my life as I have found the life I didn't know that I wanted. 

There are days that I get bored with doing the same things, and days where I miss being valued as an employee and earning some money, but they are far outweighed by finally having peace of mind.  I'm still a horrible procrastinator and am longing to get back into crafting and making time to do some scrapbooking. I thought I would have a lot more time to do things, but it turns out I'm busier than ever.  This week I really marvelled at how many things we did that we normally would not have had time to do.   We went to the park, I attended Joci's assembly, I volunteered at a PTA meeting, and we painted some Americana pictures for our upcoming party.

For me, being a stay at home mom has been a tremendous gift for our family, one that Jon has worked hard to make happen, and I truly appreciate his hard work and sacrifice to do this for us.

Remembering Babies

Lately, I have been missing my little babies. Don't get me wrong, we aren't planning on any more, but there are days when I miss this little guy:And I miss this little miss:I miss holding them in my arms and nuzzling their sweet little necks that smelled faintly of the milk they drank. It's sometimes hard to see these kids of mine growing so fast, up and out of my arms, not wanting me to intrude in their lives so much, and starting to question all of my motives behind the things I ask them to do. Where did the time go...

Can you imagine someone drawing you a bath that looks like this?

Oh, how I wish I could climb right into this picture!

Random Thought of the Day

From Joe:

As I was sitting doing Joci’s hair this morning in the family room Joe gave me a big bear hug. That’s when he proceeds to tell me, “Mommy, we have to get you some sunscreen, you really need it.”

He was talking about my ‘red neck’ from this last weekend of football fun.

Too cute. He sounded like such a young man.