Friday, December 18, 2009

Dear Carmakers of America

Dear Carmakers of the world,

If you really want to sell some vehicles, make a Mommy car that can do all these things (and more)...

1. Have partitions built into the back seats that can be raised at the touch of button so that our precious children won’t be able to pick at, make faces at, or just generally bug each other at any time.

2. Completely stain resistant interior. I don’t mean stain resistant like you mean stain resistant either. I mean it like a Mommy means it. Two year old chocolate milk found under the car seat should be able to be cleaned up with a slightly moist wipey.

3. Built in Central Vac unit on the floor that automatically starts sucking each time the engine is turned off.

4. A layer of contact paper on the outside of the car so not only could we peel off a layer for a different color, but we wouldn’t have to wash it either.

5. Completely blacked out windows so passengers in other cars don’t have to watch my kids pick their noses.

6. A trash chute and compactor.

7. Noise buffers and driver's seat stabilizers for when your sweet little angel has had enough of that day, thank you very much, and is currently throwing the Mother of all tantrums in the back seat, which includes screaming at the top of their lungs and kicking the driver's seat. Oh, and an automatic aspirin dispenser for when they are done with their tantrum, but your headache is just starting.

8. A voice activated LED panel that is attached to the back of said vehicle so that you can tell off the individual driving the car behind you that is so far up your rear chasse that they could see such a sign at a 14pt font.

9. A laser pointed camera that you can submit your digital pictures to the police, or maybe your blog, of the idiot that is driving in front of you letting their 5 small children bounce on the back seat while your kids point it out to you over and over and over again and whine about why they can’t do that, too.

10. Starbucks drink dispenser, ‘nuff said.

11. Would foot massage and/or pedicure brake and accelerator pedals be too much to ask?

12. A giant cigarette deflector mounted on the front of your car for all those lovely people who make our streets their ashtrays.

13. What should this car run on, you may wonder, gasoline, water? No, I think it should run on McDonald’s wrappers, QT drink cups, and junk mail.

14. Sliding panel doors are a must to help your little ones keep from dinging the car next to you as they RAM their doors open to get out.

15. Seat air-conditioners for those of us that live in Arizona…ahhh a cool bum in 120 degree weather would be fantastic.

16. Don't forget the GPS, On Star, and all the other highend goodness that you offer to people that make a lot more money than I do.

17. My personal favorite…automatic seat belt fasteners, because I am tired of fastening and unfastening seatbelts while holding my purse, diaper bag, Starbucks (see above), groceries, keys, blankies and various toys while hoisting small children in and out of the car, desperately having to go to the bathroom because I have been in said car for the entire day.

All of this for under $10,000.00 and I’M SOLD!

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